I am Heather Whitaker, a survivor of Military Sexual Trauma (MST). I accept the above challenge. Being told trauma has changed my brain, and I would never be the same. Hence the title, Hiraeth – A place you can never get back to is not acceptable. What I did for many years was not living, not quality of life. This article describes my intentions to not only return to that “place” but to strive for more. But first, I must learn to trust again, get rid of shame, and stop the self-medicating that has damaged my relationships.
I created this for you and me. I hope to explain how and why trauma has affected me so profoundly. This subject may be relatable and even too close to home if you, or someone you love, have experienced trauma. I obligate myself to write so I will continue to learn and stay on the ever-continuing path of healing. Even if you have not been directly affected by trauma, MST, or otherwise, I promise that you have close contact with someone struggling with its effects.
The labels
PTSD, Depression, Anxiety disorder, and the like are associated with Military Sexual Trauma but are not exclusive to MST. These “diagnoses” result from traumas experienced in the medical fields, police work, 911 dispatching, firefighting, veterans of war, unwanted sexual experience, childhood molestation, neglect, or witnessing someone assaulted, to name a few. I know we want to pretend this is not present in our world. Even with advancements in mental health and medicine, trauma is still rampant, and the effects are everywhere.
Those of us dealing with these issues feel desperately alone. We do not want to come forward and express the internal turmoil we are dealing with. It’s dark, ugly, painful and full of emotions that no one wants to be around. So, we put on our phony smiles and try hard to: “fake it until we make it.” I admit I had forgotten what joy was. I just kept doing what I was “supposed” to be doing… until it all caught up to me, and I could no longer function. I became a prisoner of my own bed, and sleep was my way of avoiding the plaguing thoughts and images in my head. Unfortunately, as I found, we all will eventually face the trauma, willing or not. Trauma is like cancer and spreads into every facet of your life. You can shove it down and pretend it is “in the past,” but the stress hormones are ever-present.
Anxiety triggers
You hear that sound, smell something that brings you back, or see an expression on someone’s face that triggers that moment. You tried so hard to bury it long ago, but now you are standing in the middle of the grocery store flooded with fight-or-flight stress hormones. Your heart is racing, chest tightening, becoming dizzy, can’t breathe, almost in tears. If you are lucky to be alone, you think, “I am going crazy!”. If someone is there, witnessing your irrational behavior, embarrassment and shame is an understatement. You lose sleep, your performance at work declines, your brain doesn’t work as well, your stress tolerance becomes non-existent, and it always, and I mean it ALWAYS effects home… until there is no home or no husband/wife to come home to. I have experienced all of these.
Most of my doctors at the VA, general practitioner, psychiatrist, psychologist, and even my acupuncturist, recommended The Body Keeps The Score | Bessel van der Kolk, MD... I didn’t want to read another self-help book, so I ignored them. But, WOW, this is a must-read! I now have it in paperback, pages quickly worn, and the audiobook is on loop. The light upstairs has come on. It has taken the doctor’s jargon regarding the brain’s anatomy, and, as he calls it: “your brain on trauma.” and put it into layman’s terms. I have gained insight into not the trauma act itself but my body’s consequential chemical reaction to that trauma and how that trauma altered my brain and brain’s response.
The best help
Without a doubt, I have had tremendous help from VA professionals over the last few years. A huge turning point for me was finally lowering my defenses and trusting my psychologist, Dr. Courtney Chapin. It took almost a year. She was gentle enough to listen and be compassionate when my thoughts were irrational. She understood how my rape left me seeing the world so cockeyed. The best part was she was also tough enough to push me out of my comfort zone and request I look at things differently and do things differently. She told me I was strong enough to deal with the fear and process my trauma. Dr. Chapin was instrumental in helping me get out of my 16-20 hour sleeping patterns and start on the restoration path. I will always be grateful to this woman, even though she left the VA to begin private practice back in her hometown. ;-)*
Side note. It is not professional for your doctors to talk about their lives… You may have difficulty connecting. Most trauma victims feel no one understands, especially if others do not have anything relatable in their past. You may think your doctor has not personally encountered the trauma they are trying to advise or treat. Just consider that they chose this field for a reason. If not directly affected, they likely watched someone they loved struggle with trauma and subsequent mental health issues.
My “MST group” and the facilitators have enriched my life beyond belief. When the pain had become worse than the fear, I talked. I saw heads nodding; sometimes, what I described brought them to tears. I found that sharing, although terrifying, helped others, and likewise, their stories have helped me. Actual empathy, in the defined sense. Then they started to share, and their stories helped me identify something I was struggling with or put a word to a feeling I could not describe. I grew so much in this group of distrusting, hurt, and often standoffish women, who likely will never fully know how much I adore them. To have a fellow human being understand your broken pieces and identify. I was not alone anymore. I had a tribe, I belonged, and these people were trying to improve their lives too.
Commitment to healing
This is what encouraged me to tell my story. It is essential to hear from the “victim’s point of view.” To relate.
Regarding my comment above, “write from the “victim’s point of view.” The word “victim” is not a term most of us like. It puts a bad taste in your mouth and makes you feel weak. Those who have gone through trauma are strong and just need a chance to put things back into perspective with newly learned knowledge. Our reactions, which we always judge harshly, were normal reactions to an abnormal situation. Right, Sarah? 😉
So, I hope to reach those like me. Maybe you love someone like me, who may, not when the trauma first occurred, but eventually struggle with the aftereffects of a traumatic event/s. I want to help you understand via my broken but healing brain. If one person can glean a bit of insight on what is now starting to work in my life, how I am finally getting some footing and beginning to mend, I will be happy. The darkness is not a place for anyone to be.
I forecast this blog will constantly change direction. Writing about the things that affect those with hypervigilant brains is like watching a lion with ADHD trying to pick which zebra to chase. The brain is going 100 mph and will not shut off, over sensitive to your surroundings and triggers are everywhere! So, let us start with what has damaged me the most.
*Shame
*Overreactions that cause embarrassment
*Self-medication
*Embarrassing anxiety attacks that come out of nowhere
*Depression
*Feelings of no value
*Not good enough to be loved
Join me on this walk. It is already a lonely place to be for both you and me. Write me an email or drop a comment. There are tools I have learned and will continue to learn and share. I will learn some from you and some from my desire to research how continue to fix my brain. It is a taboo subject that should not be. So let us kick it in the butt together.
With great affection for my fellow healing broken brains club,
Heather
