DANGER!
Our brains are programmed to react to danger. Often, there is no conscious choice. Our bodies just act in the manner clinically nicknamed ‘Fight-or-Flight”.
Unfortunately, this in-the-moment response is fast-acting, often with little or no prior thought. Moreover, once an incident becomes public knowledge, actions made during a traumatic event often leave the victim open for others to criticize which “fight-or-flight” response occurred. Further scrutiny will cause most victims to begin to doubt themselves, wishing they had reacted differently.
So, in short, I fawned, a weak response for an Army medic! Then I wanted that behavior to be different. As a result, I tormented myself with the comments/questions from the court-martial, “Why didn’t you fight or scream? Is it possible it was consensual, then you changed your mind?”.
TRIGGER ALERT – The evening of the Trauma.
I had gone dancing that night. It was getting late. With this in mind, Krissy and I had driven a friend back to his place and were about to head home. While walking back to the car, I heard my soon-to-be assailant call out my name.
He was in the 268 Field Artillery barracks hallway, and he asked to speak to me. Krissy continued to the car and said she would wait there. Once out of sight, he pushed me against the wall and tried to kiss me. I can still recall the alcohol smell on his breath and his cologne. Then he picked me up over his shoulder, laughing, and carried me to his room, not letting me out. Clearly trying to be playful, he said he wanted me to stay. His attempts to try to touch and kiss me were relentless.
Making it blatantly clear that I did not want to be with him, I did yell. I yelled loud and long enough for several someones to take notice. It took two unknown male voices in the hallway outside his door, knocking, telling him Krissy had returned and was heading to the phone to call the MPs for him to concede and let me go. I went home to my barracks. Only hours later, I woke up to him on top of me. BUT I did nothing to stop what happened next.
Fawning, the bane of my Existence.
To define fawning, a servile way of behaving. I would ask myself over and over, “why didn’t I scratch, bite, scream, run?”. Eventually, I began to doubt every thought I had. I was an assertive person. I stuck up for myself earlier. Why did I comply? By not fighting when he came to my room, did I consent?
I didn’t consider the facts or lay them out to be analyzed. I tried hard not to think about the rape because I would become emotional. Like many victims, I steered clear of the painful details. In an attempt to function in my day-to-day activities, I tried to manage every aspect of my life. I would never put myself in that situation again.
Instead, I thought about the judgment from others and that I gave myself. For years the thoughts continued to swarm. Eventually, the negativity overwhelmed me. It all kept bubbling up to the surface. I lost my self-esteem, believed the ones who blamed me and trusted no one. The emotional pain was dull if I slept 16-20 hours a day.
I became agoraphobic, having extreme anxiety when I would leave my home. If I could not control it, I didn’t do it. The world was dangerous, no one defended me, and I felt so fragile that I did not want to be hurt or criticized. My circle got smaller and smaller.
Time for Change.
With my phycologist, my most remarkable healing to date has been talking through the entire situation, moment by moment. Not to put it behind me, avoid it, and “soldier on,” but to walk through it all with guided help.
As I recalled the memories, the ones I buried. I realized I had only a few quick glances at his face during the rape. He was different, very different from his earlier behavior. He was downright scary. The rough, aggressive movements and the look of hate and anger were disturbing. The flashes in my mind are short but very clear. He was going to get his way, and if I didn’t comply, he would really hurt me.
Once and for all, I am putting away the Stick.
After finally walking through the events, I realized that fawning was the right choice after all. Subconsciously, I read the body language, the clues of his intention. I did embarrass him. My assailant was not used to being turned down. Without a doubt, he came to my room that night and exacted his revenge. He showed me I would comply with his wishes. But now I could put away the stick I had been beating myself with.
No one, not even me, has the right to Monday morning quarterback my response to not fight or question what I saw in his eyes and on his face. I had dealt with the facts and left the conjecture. This realization has made me feel free.
Changing my emotional Experience.
Following my instincts, giving over control for a short time minimized the need for him to further elevate his aggression. What is more, there was no permanent physical damage to my body. And, as I go through the emotional healing, I like myself and my choices more and more. I have a different perspective, with strengths I never thought I possessed. I have and will continue learning strategies to cope with life’s pitfalls, choose healthier ways to protect myself, and honor the choices that helped me deal with the experience. Why do I have first-hand knowledge of trauma if not to learn from it and use it for good?
TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE – Hiraeth-A place you can never get back to – MST and Me
